I was driving down the right lane of a two-lane highway (speed limit 55), about 9:15 pm on the way home from work. Wasn’t feeling particularly speedy, so I was going about 60 in the right lane. There was a car ahead of me going slower, so I checked the left lane to see about passing him. No one there except a car far back in the distance. I moved into the left lane, and all of the sudden the car that was very far away is almost on top of me; he had to have been doing about 90. Naturally he tailgates me, so I speed up to pass the other car and get out of his way, probably to about 70. As I got back into the right lane, he gunned his engines and rocketed directly into the line of sight of the state trooper that was hidden in the median. Reader, he was pulled over. I drove away cheering.
If I ever open a sandwich shop, I’m going to have a sandwich called The Manwich, which will have turkey, ham, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and smoked mozzarella on a roll. Then I’ll have a sandwich called The Womanwich, which will be the exact same thing plus olives. My employees will detest me.
What I’m Drinking While I Type: 2014 Starborough Sauvignon Blanc, approximately $10. A white wine kick in the face that gets me more drunk more quickly than any other wine. Who knows why.
What I’m watching While I Type: Season 2 of The Guild
So I’ve been busy brainstorming different things I could write about and I’ve got some fun ideas, fun pictures fun times. But then I tried to think about my approach to new blogs, which, as a person who is a weird subtype of procrastinatory and perfectionist, often involves going back to the beginning a blog and reading every single post, in order to get the full experience of the author’s blog journey. And I thought, hey, I think I’d like it if there was a post at the beginning telling dear reader about the author!
Here are some things about me:
- Things I covered in the first post: I’m a children’s librarian, I read a lot, I craft inefficiently, I love video games and board games. I think that was it?
- Specificity: I like literally any book, there is no discernible pattern to my reading habits.
- My favorite video game is anything that starts with The Legend of Zelda, and beyond that I look for games with a good story. Have you played 999? You should play 999. I love weird indie games and their excellent price points.
- Don’t ask me what my favorite board game is unless you want to stare at a person going “uhhhhhhh” for ten minutes. I’ll play anything at least once.
- I got married two years ago, and the husband, whose name is Stefan, and I are best friends (<obligatory puking noise>) who like to hang out a lot and be lazy nerds.
We live in a crooked but sunny apartment we rent in a suburb with our parakeet Gwahir the Windlord and our guinea pigs Bernard and Manny. Bernard and Manny have only been living with us a few month, and we’re in a stage I’ve come to think of as “resentful mooching,” which amounts to ” hay betch, we acknowledge your existance, now feed us but don’t you dare touch us!!”
- I hate long walks on the beach. That’s what large rocks, board walks, and pavement are for, dammit. Take care of your ankles.
- Disney, food, cute stuff.
- I like spending time outside?
- This list is the worst and it’s going to end now.
Lists are so inefficient, but so alluring. You can’t successfully fit who you are into a list – it will either be excruciatingly long and boring or too short to get your ideas across. But I do love bullet points!
At least you got to see my pets, right? They’re adorable. That’s why we’re all here in the end.
I wrote three different things before settling on that as my first line. Now you know what kind of a person I am.
So I’m Darla, and I’m starting a blog. Why am I starting a blog? Here are a few reasons:
- I have an unshakable habit of narrating my life in my head and obsessing on what the best phrasing for that narrative would be. This brings me anxiety because I feel like it’s a waste of time and energy, to stress over, say, the best way to describe the way I’m eating a waffle while I’m still eating it. I want to know what will happen if I write it all down rather than focusing energy on getting the little voice to shut up.
- I used to think that I was a little old to start something as presumptuous as a blog – in my head, all bloggers have been blogging since their preteens. apparently. Then I read Felicia Day’s book and learned that she was 28 when she made The Guild, and look at her now, you guys. Look at her now. I can at least try to write a goddamn blog and see if I get anything out of it.
- I’m always taking pictures of shit I do but then not posting them anywhere. If I have a blog, maybe I’ll post them. And write about what they’re pictures of. And then I’ll go out of my way to have more meaningful experiences so I can photograph them and blog them. Soon I’ll be eating foie gras caviar on a river boat in the French Alps, all because of this blog, right?
There are a few things you might like to know about me and my blog to keep you reading. I haven’t told anyone I know about it. My husband knows I’m writing something because I asked his advice in setting it up, but not what. So if you’re a stranger reading this, please let me know that I’m not alone on this cold and distant planet. I hope you brought Chex Mix and vodka. If you’re my friend and you’re reading this, then LOOK OVER THERE, IS THAT CHEX MIX AND VODKA? *runs away* I’m eclectic, which is a kind thing I tell myself to describe what is probably some form of ADHD. I couldn’t keep a single-subject blog if I tried. I could be the ultimate master craftsman in, say, topiary design, but if I started a topiary design blog I’d eventually decide it’s pretentious and hate it and myself within weeks, quit my job and become a barista. Which I would also hate. Good job, blog. If I keep it diverse, maybe I’ll keep writing. Here are some topics that could appear soon at a this blog near you:
- Books! I read a lot – not CRAZY a lot like real book bloggers, but enough. My love of books contributed to my becoming a children’s librarian.
- Crafts, which is the other half of the children’s librarian thing. But I’m really bad at keeping up with crafts and perfecting my abilities, so don’t expect Renoir or anything you guys. Expect lumpy felted Pikachu. You also might find descriptions of programs I’m doing for work, so that could be fun and educational, I guess.
- Video games and board games, because I’m an adult and I do what I want with my life now.
- Cartoons and stuff.
- Baby animals?
- The looming presence of mortality in the life of the American adult.
- Food I like.
- LISTS, APPARENTLY.
That’s enough listing. I’m super tired because I was sitting around at a hospital all day – why is sitting around the most exhausting thing? My city grandmother was crossing the street and got hit by a car that backed into her because he saw a parking spot he wanted. GOOD JOB DRIVER, you shattered her kneecap and she needed surgery. I took a shift keeping an eye on her because she’s adorably out of it. The adorable part was how she’d do stuff like ask a really deep question (“did you always think you would marry young?”) but fall asleep before I could even start to answer (“is 25 young all of the sudden?”). The not adorable part was how she couldn’t figure out how to call the nurse then forgot she wanted to even though she still needed a bedpan. WELP. Good thing my awesome other family members will be watching her tomorrow, because mama needs a new pair of sneakers. I’m so tired I’m nauseous. Goodnight, first blog post.
This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.